There are no sweeter high school memories than driving down the road in a car full of girlfriends, spiral-permed hair not moving in the wind, and squealing at high-decibel levels when That Song came on the radio. We would even risk being late to homeroom, because we could not exit the car until the last synthesized note faded into silence under the annoying voice of the DJ who had to talk over it.
But here’s the thing. Most love songs have lyrics that are perfect for teenage angst and just beg for an eye-roll emoji in real life. So I’ve come up with an alternate translation of the typical lines you’d find in most love songs. I like to call it: If Women Over 40 Wrote Love Songs.
“I want to hold you in my arms all night and kiss you all night long.”
Um, no. Please don’t. First of all, I’m getting sweaty thinking about that. Not a sexy, glistening kind of sweaty either. Also, we both have jobs and kids to wake up to. Let’s be practical: We need sleep here.
“I’ll never let you down.”
You already will before this song is finished. Mostly by the way you’re driving while singing it. But hey, good news: I’ll let you down, too, so we’re even.
“I’m nothing without you.”
That’s going to be very inconvenient if I ever need to travel. See aforementioned kids. And dogs and dishes. Also, I can’t be going to your job with you, so let’s work on that whole codependency thing, K?
“I’d die for you.”
Huh. I’d kill for someone to wipe the kitchen counters instead.
“You’re perfect just the way you are.”
Well, that one’s pure genius. Moving on….
“You make my heart skip a beat.”
It sounds like an EKG should be top of your to-do list. Another reason why we should skip that staying up all night long stuff. Probably not good for the old ticker.
“I’d do anything for you/go to the ends of the Earth for you.”
Since you brought it up, there IS this little thing called a grocery list right here…
“I don’t need anything but you.”
Thing is, you might want to consider oxygen. Or nutrients. Seriously. I don’t mind coming in third in this particular case.
“I’ll always be by your side.”
Could you consider a hobby maybe?
“I’d be lost without you.”
That’s what Google Maps is for. Although I’m happy to backseat drive any time.
“You don’t know you’re beautiful.”
Or you could just tell me I am. Which you just did. So the rest of that song is superfluous now.
“I want to stay here, like this, forever.”
Again with the lack of productivity. Do these lyricists not have actual jobs? Does anyone ever need to, I don’t know, take a shower occasionally?
“I just want to lie here and watch you breathing.”
Some people call that stalking. Also, if I wake up and see you staring at me, there may be some physical harm involved.
“I’d walk a thousand miles/swim a thousand oceans/climb a thousand mountains to be with you.”
That’s called a triathlon. So, go you! Also you might want to consider, I don’t know, an airplane ticket? Because there’s really no need to put yourself through that kind of exertion.
“You’re the one that I want.”
Well. Ok. You know what? Me, too. Me, too. Just you. And a trip to Paris. But mostly you. And that’s a sentiment I can get behind, not just one cupid-covered day of the year, but in the every-days and the long days and the happy days and the hard days.
That’s a love song I’d sing, sappy lyrics or not.